When I start thinking… “if this person wasn’t in my life, how would my life change in any way?” and then answer myself with “it wouldn’t change for the bad at all!!”
and that’s how I know that I’m sick of everything…
If I ate the way I felt… (the way that I know my body likes to eat) and stopped eating out so much because I am pressured to hang out and be lazy so much…. I would spend less on food. and my husband would say “I don’t pressure you at all” but AS SOON as I get home, he goes, “What do you want to watch?”
Well, honestly.. I don’t want to watch anything. I want to go for a walk. I want to go for a bike ride. I want to go see the stars, I want to go see a movie, I want to go try out an awesome restaurant, I want to make something incredible and then have the love of my life help me with the dishes, why? because he feels it’s only fair to help when I made the whole meal. I want to go take a shower… paint my nails, cut my hair, sing at the top of my lungs….
But I can’t.
I must sit on the bed in the living room (because of course, 2 years in, we STILL don’t sleep in the bedroom) and we don’t own a couch in the living room… because the bed is there… and yet, every time I bring it up, I get told no. I get told I’m stupid. I get told that I don’t know what I’m talking about… and honestly, the longer this stupid pregnancy goes, the worse it gets. I get fatter and fatter and yet I still have to do everything… and he doesn’t even care if it would hurt the baby. He doesn’t care about me..
Had sex on the 21st. well… didn’t exactly have sex. He got me off with his fingers and then put his thing in my ass. 2 pumps was all he was worth…. so I’m not sure if that counts as sex or not… seems like something people do for loopholes… like “I didn’t have sex with her, it was only anal.”
Yeah, there are a lot of times I wonder if he is cheating on me… why? because it’s now every 3 weeks we have sex instead of every other week. and even then, it’s not sex, it’s he fingers me and then wants inside my ass… which is like telling me, he gets vagina sex already… but not anal.
I mean, I know I’m fat, and I know I’m not pretty… but I would really like to just be respected. I really would like to know that I am good enough for someone.