You know it’s bad…

When I start thinking… “if this person wasn’t in my life, how would my life change in any way?”  and then answer myself with “it wouldn’t change for the bad at all!!”

 

and that’s how I know that I’m sick of everything…

 

If I ate the way I felt… (the way that I know my body likes to eat) and stopped eating out so much because I am pressured to hang out and be lazy so much…. I would spend less on food.  and my husband would say “I don’t pressure you at all” but AS SOON as I get home, he goes, “What do you want to watch?”

 

Well, honestly.. I don’t want to watch anything. I want to go for a walk. I want to go for a bike ride. I want to go see the stars, I want to go see a movie, I want to go try out an awesome restaurant, I want to make something incredible and then have the love of my life help me with the dishes, why? because he feels it’s only fair to help when I made the whole meal.  I want to go take a shower… paint my nails, cut my hair, sing at the top of my lungs….

 

But I can’t.

I must sit on the bed in the living room (because of course, 2 years in, we STILL don’t sleep in the bedroom) and we don’t own a couch in the living room… because the bed is there…  and yet, every time I bring it up, I get told no. I get told I’m stupid. I get told that I don’t know what I’m talking about… and honestly, the longer this stupid pregnancy goes, the worse it gets. I get fatter and fatter and yet I still have to do everything… and he doesn’t even care if it would hurt the baby. He doesn’t care about me..

Had sex on the 21st. well… didn’t exactly have sex. He got me off with his fingers and then put his thing in my ass. 2 pumps was all he was worth…. :/  so I’m not sure if that counts as sex or not… seems like something people do for loopholes… like “I didn’t have sex with her, it was only anal.”

Yeah, there are a lot of times I wonder if he is cheating on me… why? because it’s now every 3 weeks we have sex instead of every other week. and even then, it’s not sex, it’s he fingers me and then wants inside my ass… which is like telling me, he gets vagina sex already… but not anal.

I mean, I know I’m fat, and I know I’m not pretty… but I would really like to just be respected. I really would like to know that I am good enough for someone.

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By cdqtducks

Somethings that T1D want you to Know.

My support system has the biggest impact on my diabetes management.

This includes my friends, family, husband, roommates, my doctor..etc.  When we don’t have a good support system, we feel alone in this world.

When you are diagnosed, it’s not all red roses and fun. All the sudden my whole world was ripped into pieces. I was beyond frustrated with the daily maintenance my diabetes required, frustrated before it even really began.

We are tired of having to be different. I was sick of constantly having to excuse myself and give myself injections in bathroom stalls or lift up my shirt in public to stab my stomach.

We know that each shot means MORE work and toil on our body. I was absolutely angered that with every shot I would gain more weight, scar up my skin and bruise my body.

We simply do not want any part of it. We do not CHOOSE to be diabetic.. We do not WANT this disease, yet, here we are, doing out best and getting called names, seeing “diabetes” jokes and people think it’s funny.

By cdqtducks

A Rant… I guess

So my girlfriend is pregnant. I hate it when people say prego. makes me think of tomato sauce, and that is NOT what I want to think about myself whenever I get pregnant… though at this point I think about it and go.. hmm. idk, fiji just sounds wonderful every year. ha ha. and then I think to myself, I’m 30… if I have my kid NOW, I’ll be 50 before they leave me…. and I have done NOTHING for myself yet… I’m so lame. ha ha ha.It’s been weird though, how I’ve been thinking more and more about kids and if we should have them or what I want to do about that.. do I want them? do I not want them? Do i think i’ll be a single mom? Do I think I’ll be a decent mom? what do I want for my kids? Do I want to bring something so innocent into this world and have them be corrupt? I know my husband wants kids.. but he is 34..almost 35… he will be 55 when they are all grown. Will we have the energy for them? will we be able to keep up with them? We can hardly keep ourselves afloat… could we keep a kid?  SO MANY QUESTIONS. NO ANSWERS.

 

People say “oh, talk to your husband about it.” But See… I love my husband, but here is how talking with him goes:

Me: “I was thinking about X and how we should handle it.”

Him: “You worry too much. Just Stop.”

Me: “That doesn’t fix the problem, It is coming up soon… can we discuss how we should handle it?”

Him: “No. Just Stop. Stop talking.”

Me: “Fine. *Goes and cries*”

 

So you understand why I don’t talk to my husband about having kids… I mean.. technically I’m the one with the birth control and can keep that birth control for as long as I want in my life. I can take it out today or leave it in… either way… it’s my choice so if he isn’t going to talk to me about it, then I see no reason to include him in on my decision.

It’s kind of like me giving up my hard drive… It was MINE. I paid for it. and then when I borrow his, he is a freaking a hole about it. Like HOW DARE I use something that is in this house. Everything is his… whether he paid for it or not… which I’m not sure what goes through his head, because seriously I pay for everything, I clean the house (badly, but still I do it) I GET everything for him. I make all the food, I even do the garbage, the bills, the setting up of any and all “parties” or get together’s. If he wants something, he asks me and I do it… but yet I’m not allowed to do what I want. Can I go do a color run with my friend? No. Can I go see Abby? no. Can I have friends over? no. Can I go run? he whines. I seriously can only do what he wants. it’s weird how such an alpha male wants so much power over a woman… like, what does he get out of it? He gets a fat woman who is resenting him more and more. I’m not sure how that helps him in the long run… ha ha.

Just saying.. If he is looking for a woman who will never cheat on him, that is me, but to restrict my activities is a good way for me to resent him and just go out and do what I want. …. leave a note… lmao. “I’m at Abby’s, have a good weekend. See you Sunday night.” ha ha ha. omg how much trouble would I be in if I did that? I mean, it’s even ABBY and that would be horrible. oh yeah.. I can’t have friends either too… he can have friends, and I am supposed to like his friends… but I can’t have friends of my own either. :/ I can’t do anything with my friends. I have lost EVERY SINGLE FRIEND I had before him. (besides Abby) Shayna, Sam, Brittney… gone. (though, to be fair, Brittney was ridiculous to try to have a talk about how I treated Andy… I mean, seriously she had NO idea what was going on and trying to tell me I was being a bitch was kind of a bitchy move…) okay.. Shayna wasn’t Sam’s fault either.. she didn’t help herself when she made a move on my ex=fiance 1 week after we were “broken  up.”  okay.. so those three weren’t Sam’s fault… but I saw Abby every weekend and then I wasn’t allowed to, and I had to go to Thursday Round up and I didn’t have an option. I miss the days when I had an option to do my own thing on Thursday. I HATE thursday Round up. Old guys sitting around staring at me .. Feel like I need to wear a garbage bag over my body… and I don’t even have a good body!!! (well, a sexy body.)

Eh… This post was supposed to be a bunch of memes about moms… omg, where have I gone wrong? ha ha…

Next post!!

 

 

 

 

By cdqtducks

XOXOX…

I am having a great day today. I woke up, made my bed, turned on some music and even put on make up. (and for those of you who know nothing about me…. I never put on make up)  <– It’s so rare, that it wouldn’t be surprising if my husband asks me if I’m cheating on him tonight. lol. idk, I just felt good this morning. I felt refreshed.. I felt I had time. I felt that the music was flowing through me and that I was invincible. so Make up was put on. 🙂

Sam on the other hand… was NOT having a good morning. I’m not even sure what was wrong with him. I had a movie playing before the music…. when I put the music on, I didn’t change the volume setting. He yelled something at me after the first song… I have no idea what it was cause he was in the front room and I was in the bedroom. (we have a huge house.. I wouldn’t be able to hear him even if music wasn’t playing) But he yelled something.. I went in there and said sorry? the music too loud? and he didn’t answer.. just grumbled.. so I assumed that was it (he wasn’t going to tell me, and if I asked he would have just gotten more annoyed) so I shut the bedroom door and turned the volume down. I went on with my day.. (aka.. make up and hair!) When I went out to the front room to get lunch/breakfast and to say goodbye, he was in the shower. A little weird, but he does that if he can’t sleep. (I still haven’t ACTUALLY seen or talked to him at this point)  I knock on the door and he yells “PISS OFF.”   I stood there going “what!?” I have no idea what has transpired in his head, nor do I know what I did or didn’t do. I know I won’t get an apology and I know he won’t let me know what I did or didn’t do. Somehow he believes that people who are smart enough will understand that if you ignore them, they will change. *rolls eyes*  Now I understand why all of his relationships never lasted more than a few months. He’d stop talking to them and they would be like “F this” I’m not at that point, but I am at the point that I want to be respected and I want to be who I am.

Like the question: What do you do for fun?  um… I don’t do anything for fun. I cry.. do dishes… laundry.. watch movies… but none of that is “fun” to me. I mean, sometimes watching movies with Sam can be fun, but sport fucking movies every single day becomes boring and mundane. I long for adventure… even if it’s driving through the park. I mean… something different right? So I have decided.. I’m doing Volleyball this year. I LOVED it back in the day. and it’s only $35 for the whole season. (Sam spends $20 every Thursday just to go to round up, so I feel just fine doing it) It’s all women.. so I get to have a women’s night.. exercise for 3 hours and have fun doing it? What is NOT to like??? Sam hates it. and I don’t care. He says that a content man only worries about the needs of his woman… Well, I need friends. I need to have fun. I need to exercise. and when he MET me I was in volleyball, so it’s not like this is out of the blue necessarily. I’m out of college, I’m not moving and I’m bored!

I have been reading about organization, and I do need to get rid of shit.. but I also just need to put things in their place too. pens go with pens…pans with pans… etc.etc.  and not have so much Stuff available. I don’t do laundry because I have so many clothes. I don’t do dishes because I have so many of them… I have so much stuff… it needs to be limited. I did my bedroom last night. (mostly.. I put away clothes and stuff) I’m doing the kitchen tonight. Thursday I’ll be stuck going to round up. Friday I think I’ll do my car and laundry. Saturday I technically have all day to organize… I think I’ll do bathrooms and the living room.

 

By cdqtducks